Awake

I tried to go to bed early tonight. I slept for an hour and then was awoken by heartburn. I’ve maybe had heartburn twice in my life before tonight. This heartburn was initially so bad it felt like my throat was closing up.

I took two Tums but they are not helping so far. I’m not sure what the cause of the heartburn is- maybe what we had for dinner. Or maybe the preventative (headache) medicine I take. Speaking of which, I had an awful migraine today after making it through most of the weekend headache free.

I keep trying to tell myself, this is the hand you’ve been dealt. Accept it and learn to deal with it. I just don’t know how much longer I can learn to deal with not feeling at peace in my body. The uncertainty of waking up every morning and having no idea if it’ll be a good day or a bad day- based on how my head feels. The frustration that comes along with doing everything “right” but still getting headaches.

I bounce back and forth between two extreme attitudes. The first is “Fuck this, I can do anything, headaches won’t hold me back.” The second is “I can’t do this anymore. I give up.” On any given day, at any given moment, one of those attitudes will prevail. Right now it’s the latter.

What really isn’t helping is that for the past two nights, our neighbors have been either blasting TV or music way past 11pm. It keeps me awake. I just texted them about it and they haven’t turned it down or responded to my message. I’m so frustrated.

Right now all I want to do is sleep. But I can’t because this heartburn is making it impossible to lie down. And even if I could lie down, the aforementioned noise would keep me awake. So I’m sitting on the couch in my dark living room with my stuffed elephant perched on my lap.

I don’t want to cry or scream or continue to ask the question that has no answer: “Why?” I just want to sleep.

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