Then the sunlight dims

It’s so hard for me to accurately explain to anyone how I’m feeling right now. Physically, I know a headache isn’t far away, so I’m trying to savor the last minutes (or, if I’m lucky, hours) without one. I’m exhausted. I haven’t slept properly since last Thursday. I still have heartburn- my husband has it, too, so it was definitely the result of something we ate for dinner. My eyes are watering. Overall, I just feel incredibly rundown.

But the way I’m feeling mentally/emotionally is worse. I simultaneously feel awful for letting people down and angry because I don’t get much in the way of sympathy/understanding from anyone. I know last night I wrote that I don’t want sympathy, but I’m not entirely sure if that’s true. I just want something more than an “Oh, okay” or “Sorry.” What I’m going through is bigger than those small words.

I really wanted to try and finish a paper by my afternoon class- it’s not technically due today, but it’s something I just want to get done and turn in. I’m having a lot of trouble focusing, and the annoying part is most of the paper is already written- I just need to go back and add some more analysis. I have a million other things to do, but that’s nothing new. I’m so torn between skipping my afternoon classes and meeting, and staying here and toughing it out (I’m on campus now).

I really should stay, as long as I’m feeling mostly okay/headache-free. I might try the whole 20 minutes of working/10 minute break deal. I can’t think of much else that will work right now. I just want to lay down and forget about everything for a while. It’s interesting that I am starting to feel depressed again- it’s not surprising, given everything that’s going on and my history of depression. But what is interesting is that I’m actually on an antidepressant right now- I’m taking it as a preventative medicine for my headaches.

I’ve been listening to the National a lot, which is not a good sign. Although they are probably my favorite band in the entire world, I tend to listen to a good majority of their songs when I’m feeling down. And these lyrics (“Demons” by the National) perfectly capture how I’ve been feeling for the past couple of days:

Do my crying underwater,
I can’t get down any farther.
All my drowning friends can see,
Now there is no running from it.
It’s become the crux of me,
I wish that I could rise above it.

The worried talk to god goes on,
I sincerely tried to love it,
wish that I could rise above it.

Can I stay here?
I can sleep on the floor.
Paint the blood and hang the palms
on the door.
Do not think I’m going places anymore,
Wanna see the sun come up above New York.
Oh, everyday I start so great,
then the sunlight dims.


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