Notes from the doctor’s office

I am so freaked out right now I have to keep reminding myself to breathe. I don’t like this doctor’s office so far. I don’t feel comfortable here. I don’t want to talk about what I’m here to discuss with the doctor. I don’t even want to write about it here. It’s kind of embarrassing and not the most pleasant of subjects to write/read about.

I’m frustrated because the reason I’m having these issues is probably my fault. And they’re not going away, which also seems like it might be my fault. I’ve been doing everything my primary care doctor told me to do, and it’s not working. No one is supposed to deal with this particular issue for as long as I’ve been- maybe a little over a month now?

I feel like I just got my headaches under control. They don’t really interfere with my life in any major way anymore. And now I’m hit with something else. I’m so sick of waiting rooms and doctor’s appointments and paperwork and logging symptoms and Googling things out of frustration and fear.

It seems impossible good news will come from this appointment. The likely outcome is that I’ll have to make more appointments and probably have a colonoscopy or some other unpleasant procedure. I’m trying not to only focus on the worst outcomes but it’s hard. The normal treatment methods haven’t worked for me, so.

I don’t want to think about this at Christmas. I don’t want to be sitting in this sterile and uninviting office by myself. Since September, I’ve definitely had more than a dozen medical appointments/tests. It’s exhausting. It’s frustrating. And somehow it feels like it’s my fault.

More than anything, I hope 2015 brings me improved health. I guess everyone always wishes for good health in the New Year and it’s somewhat of a cliche, but it’s all I want.

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