Selling stuff online & forgiveness

I am not going to sell anything online for a very, very long time. We did finally sell our couch in preparation of our new one’s arrival next week, but has created massive headaches and made me feel really shitty about myself.

At first, I was being nice to everyone who told me they could come by with cash and pick it up. The first person canceled. The next people showed up, looked at it, and changed their minds. Then another person came, said they definitely wanted it, and we made plans for her to pick it up. Then she canceled a few hours before she was going to pick it up.

So I reposted it as for sale on Craigslist and in a local yard sale group. In the postings, I said the first person with a reasonable cash offer and the means to take the couch away could have it. A bunch of people contacted me who were interested. I guess my mistake was that I didn’t explicitly tell these people they were not the only interested parties. I didn’t promise anyone I would hold the couch for them, but I also didn’t tell them other people were coming to look at it throughout the day. I place most of the blame on myself for the miscommunication, but regardless, it’s a shitty situation for everyone.

So a guy who contacted me yesterday came by this morning with a good offer in cash and a UHaul. So we sold it to him. I contacted the other people who were supposed to come later in the day to tell them the couch was no longer available. One woman absolutely flipped out at me, and started swearing at me online and then calling me repeatedly. I had to block her on social media and on my phone. I’m a bit worried because she has my address (probably another mistake – it is customary to wait until the last minute to give people your address if they are coming to look at something for sale? I guess maybe I should’ve done that), but hopefully I’m worried unnecessarily. I’m naturally a pretty anxious person, so situations like this send my anxiety through the roof.

I feel much more badly about one of the other people who was coming to look at it…because they already got rid of their old couch. Yes, it’s my fault that I didn’t tell them they were one party of about four who were coming to look at the couch today. But I forgot they hadn’t seen the updated posting. I sent them two emails apologizing (profusely), and obviously that’s not going to help the frustrating situation they are now in…but I hope they are at least aware that I didn’t do this maliciously. I’m basically just incompetent. I told my husband that the next time we have to sell something (probably in a few years before we move), he can handle the entire thing…because this process is a) something I’m not good at, and b) something I don’t enjoy even remotely.

I guess I did learn many lessons if I ever have to do this again. I’m truly not a person who would ever try to scam someone or make false promises like that, but that’s exactly what I ended up doing, even though I had no intention of doing so. Because I did “hold” the couch for a bunch of people this week, who all ended up flaking out on me, I knew we really needed to get rid of it this weekend (we definitely don’t have room for two couches in our living space). I know I didn’t intend to cause frustrating situations/miscommunication for anyone, but I obviously did…and I know if I were in the other person’s shoes, I would be extremely upset as well. I know these people are strangers who I’ll probably never meet, yet here I am writing the longest post I’ve written in ages about how awful I feel.

I’m not quite sure how to cheer myself up. I mean, the couch is now gone, which should have, in theory, removed all of the stress related to selling it. But now instead of feeling stressed, I just feel like an awful human being. I guess the very small silver lining is that the second person doesn’t have my phone number or social media…but then again, they don’t seem like someone who would harass me repeatedly like person number one did.

I mean, I’m acknowledging I made a mistake. I admitted it to the person who is now without a couch. I would’ve had an actual conversation with the other person, but I don’t enjoy being yelled at and called words I would never use to describe anyone. I guess I just need to figure out how to forgive myself, which is much easier said than done. I actually just did a little Googling (“how to forgive yourself for making a mistake”) and the articles I read a) made me feel better, b) gave me some ideas, and c) helped put things in perspective a bit. I’m not a bad person. I know I am a good person. Good people make mistakes that can hurt others. All people make mistakes that can and do hurt others.

I’ll end this with a quote from one of the articles (found here):

“I think forgiveness is often confused with condoning or lack of accountability,” Hartman says. “This is a world with high performance standards. People think they need to be perfect. Yet people do things — intended or not — that hurt others. You may not intend to harm, but the other person is no less hurt.”

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February: highs and lows

Highs

  • Lots of snow days
  • Bought a new TV and sound system
  • Hung out with my sister for an entire day! We ate some great Indian food.
  • The return of The Walking Dead
  • Keeping up with my work – no all-nighters for this girl
  • Figured out who I want to student teach with next year
  • Lots of time at my favorite coffee shop
  • Staying in for Valentine’s Day and making the best homemade bolognese ever
  • Continuing to watch The Office
  • Getting a great deal on a new winter coat (my old one ripped; I purchased a new one for $56…originally priced $160!)
  • FINALLY booked our lodging for our NYC trip (we’re using AirBNB for the first time!)
  • Spent time with our families
  • Bought a new couch (yup, this was definitely an expensive month) after doing extensive research…we decided to invest in something we’ll have for the next 10-15 years 🙂
  • Drake’s new album. I’m obsessed and I don’t really know why.
  • Finally felt like I got back into a regular workout routine- it feels amazing
  • Some really fun, relaxing days at work with my favorite kiddos in the world
  • Started babysitting again (hopefully it’ll become a more consistent thing from here on out)
  • DOUG GOT AMAZING SCORES ON THE GRE!
  • I’m finally eating in a balanced way (not dieting, not restricting, not counting calories) and exercising regularly…AND I’M LOSING WEIGHT. Go figure.

Lows

  • Lots of snow days
  • Lots of money spent that we hadn’t planned on spending (granted, some of it was necessary..i.e. we bought a new couch because our current couch is basically broken…but still)
  • A very stressful week to end the month- I worked 30 hours and had the two biggest assignments of the semester so far due, Doug got really sick and missed a few days of work AND had to study for the GRE..it was pretty miserable
  • Drama with the billing department of our local hospital. Luckily all is resolved now.
  • Feeling kind of lonely / missing my friends / wishing I had more close friends in this area as opposed to scattered all around the U.S.
  • Not being very social AT ALL for the entire month. We were just so exhausted come Friday that we would crash, and then have lots of school & house stuff to do on Saturday and Sunday. I’m hoping March will be different.

January: highs and lows

The best stuff

  • New Year’s Eve
  • Watching The Office pretty much every night
  • Time spent with family and friends (birthday dinners; brunch at our place; nights out and nights spent staying in)
  • My birthday celebration(s)
  • Finally trying gin, and never drinking anything else
  • Singing karaoke by myself for the second time
  • Doug’s birthday celebration(s)
  • Buying tickets for Cabaret in March (!!!! still over the moon about this)
  • Getting a Wii U
  • Seeing Birdman and The Imitation Game – two incredible films
  • Teaching Zumba to my kiddos
  • Getting the ball rolling for my student teaching internship
  • Three snow days in less than a week
  • New brewery opening up downtown
  • Helping one of our best friends buy a car
  • Getting a new TV stand and rearranging our living room
  • Putting together said TV stand by myself
  • Classes and professors I’m really enjoying
  • Playing in the snow with my kiddos
  • Seeing two of my best friends who live far away
  • Our “anti” Superbowl party (we ended up watching it)
  • Making BBQ apple cheddar pork pie
  • Super nice new lady managing our apartment building

The worst stuff

  • Getting sick, thinking I was better, getting sick again, etc.
  • Tax-related stresses (that have since been resolved)
  • Struggling with getting back into an exercise routine
  • All of the money we’ve spent on our cars (registration fees and repairs)
  • Annoyances related to our neighbors (what else is new?)

You know life is good when it’s much easier to think of happy things than sad things. 🙂

#grateful

The most important thing I’ve learned

in the past year or so is to let things go. Whether it’s the dirty dishes in the sink, an unchecked item on a to-do list, the rainy morning, the messed-up coffee order, the rude coworker or customer, that text message you shouldn’t have sent, or the myriad other things that can ruin your day IF you let them…you can make the choice to let them go. Sometimes it only takes a minute to do so; other times it might take an hour or two. But I’ve learned that saving your energy, your passion, your tears, your time is so important. Life is too short.

Sunday night thoughts

The weekends always seem to fly by! I’ve had a lot on my mind today, almost too much to try and fit into a single post. Here goes nothing!

I hung out with a former co-worker of mine yesterday morning. It was a pretty impromptu decision, but one I am SO glad I made. She is a bit older than me (okay, try 15 years!) and I really look up to her in many ways. Most importantly, though, is that she is very assertive and always stands up for herself. I’ve been having a lot of trouble with standing up for myself at work lately, and my conversations with her have inspired me to slowly but surely start speaking my mind more. I’ve put up with a lot of rudeness and disrespectful actions from my co-workers (not all of them, but a handful) this summer and I’m sick of just taking it. I want to start to express my feelings in a polite but honest manner.

The other main thing on my mind is that I’m not “getting enough” out of summer. What I’m referring to in that statement is basically the feeling that if I’m not doing cool/fun/new stuff during my free time, I’m somehow “wasting” my summer. Deep down, I know that’s absolutely ridiculous. Even if I didn’t get to go anywhere or have any new experiences, I would still be having a great summer hanging out with the people who are important to me. I think social media probably plays a huge role in my (and others’) feeling that I need to DO as much as possible. I’ve had fun “doing” things this summer- going to the beach, playing mini-golf, getting drinks with friends, seeing movies, etc. but I’ve also had plenty of fun curled up on the couch with Doug watching Kitchen Nightmares, baking something new in my kitchen, sleeping late, and going for walks in my city.

I guess what I need is a balance between going out and trying new things (even if sometimes I don’t want to- usually when I push myself, I have no regrets) and staying in and doing the same things I always do that I really love. For example, today was a typical Sunday for us- sleeping in, grocery shopping, getting lunch at a local place, cleaning, and doing laundry. We’re about to have dinner and watch a movie, which is also pretty typical. Even though I’m using the word “typical,” there is nothing I dislike about our Sundays. They are comforting and relaxing for me- so why do I feel the need to significantly alter these days? Or that these days aren’t good enough? I’m sure I will continue to grapple with these feelings as I get older, and while this is certainly not the worst problem to have– nor is it really a problem, by any means– it’s definitely kind of tough to resolve. To find that balance. To remember that life is short, and to use my time in ways that are meaningful to me — even if they aren’t the rest of the world’s idea of a good time or the “perfect” summer.

So that’s what’s on my mind during this beautiful August evening. I hope you all had a good weekend, and are able to give yourself the time & space to reflect upon whatever it is that’s kicking around in your mind. 😉

Kindergarten graduation

Today I visited the kindergarten class I interned in for the last time. Tonight is their graduation. They will spend the summer at various camps, visiting family, and maybe even traveling to other countries. Then in the fall, they will all begin their next adventure: first grade. Small groups of 3 or 4 students might be at the same school or even in the same class, but for the most part, they will be apart, as they live in many different towns/neighborhoods.

I can’t attend the actual graduation ceremony because I have to work, so I chose the next best thing: the rehearsal. They filed in, sat down, sang a welcoming song, practiced receiving (student-created) awards, practiced receiving their diplomas, and sang their closing song. I almost cried during that last part. The closing song begins with the line, “See the sun setting in the sky. It’s time to end another day.”

While I was with them, I couldn’t stop thinking about how I probably will never see most of them again. How this special, unique group of children, with their various personalities, quirks, interests, and habits will never be together — all 18 of them — again. I thought about how short a school year really is, in the grand scheme of things. How difficult it is to say goodbye after just 190ish days. September always brings a new group of students, but no class is the same from year to year.

I will miss playing mancala and the secret word game with C. I will miss watching I draw her fashion designs. I will miss R’s enthusiasm for sharks. I will miss watching J and K try to run faster and faster during tag games. I will miss kicking a soccer ball around with M. I will miss just talking with E about her weekend. I will miss H and S’s insightful and creative contributions to storytelling. I will miss dancing with J. I will miss our morning meetings, our songs, freeze dance, the block area, the treehouse, field trips, and most of all, our stories. The stories we read and the stories the children told, sometimes independently, more often in a group.

This kindergarten class was, for me, the first experience I ever had in a classroom on a regular basis. I know beyond any doubt that I was an important part of their learning and kindergarten experiences. I wonder if they will ever know how much I learned from them, and how unforgettable they are.

Life post-Whole30: Part II

Grocery shopping now sends me into a tailspin of anxiety. My choices feel unlimited once more, which is kind of terrifying after a month of eliminating lots of the foods I used to eat. Although I can now technically eat whatever I want, I don’t want to do that. Instead, I find myself still gravitating toward many of the foods I ate during my Whole30 (sweet potatoes, coconut oil, more fruit, kale) and not wanting some of the things I ate pre-Whole30 (granola bars, shredded cheese, fruit snacks, sparkling water containing artificial sweeteners, etc.).

Any kind of restrictive manner of eating is dangerous for someone recovering from an eating disorder. Someone like me. Last week, I did overindulge a bit: chocolate chip cookies and tortilla chips were the primary culprit. I definitely attribute at least some of the cause to being sick, but I know that part of it was due to that feeling of deprivation that is particularly problematic if you suffer from binge eating disorder like I do.

However…those urges have not come back at all. I’m a lot more focused on how food makes me feel physically instead of how it makes me feel emotionally. This focus is something I was never able to achieve through other diets I’ve tried: veganism, vegetarianism, the Atkins diet, and flat-out caloric restriction.

I suppose this change in mindset is due to the drastic nature of the Whole30 challenge. I cut out so many things from my diet, and now as I begin to reintroduce some of them, I am made acutely aware of how downright awful some foods make me feel. After a month of feeling on top of the world physically (and pretty damn good mentally, too), the awful indigestion I experience after eating dairy and fried foods doesn’t seem worth it. I want to continue eating in a way that makes me feel great, and when I want to eat something that won’t make me feel so great, I want to make a very informed and intentional decision to do so (That last statement is actually one of the goals the founders of Whole30 have for participants!)

I’m proud that through a lot of hard work, reflection, and change, I’ve moved one step closer to a balanced, healthy, and peaceful relationship with food. I never thought completing a month-long challenge that entailed eliminating many different foods from my diet would help my eating disorder in such a meaningful way– in fact, at times, I thought it would backfire and destroy some of the progress I’ve made this year. I’m so glad I proved myself wrong.