Life lately

It seems like when life is going well/things are going smoothly, I post on here a lot less. I feel like I don’t have much to write about at the moment — in reality, nothing could be further from the truth…but I’m just struggling to find the time to sit down and write quality posts on some fairly in-depth and detailed topics.

So what’s been keeping me so busy?
-Finishing my last semester with a full course load. I’ll begin student teaching in the fall (for an entire year!) and only have one course left to take during that time.
-Exercising. A lot more. I’m finally starting to run again, and making slow but steady progress in that area. I’ve also begun regular strength training – as with most things I get excited about, I’ve been overdoing it a bit and had to take today off to give my body a break. But that’s okay.
-Trying to be more mindful about what I’m eating. While I want to make ED recovery my top priority, I do want/need(?) to lose some weight for health reasons. I feel much more at peace with my body now than I have at any point in the past four years or so. But my doctor would like me to lose a little weight. I’m not so focused on what the scale says…but I want to feel fit/strong/healthy/badass again. I don’t care if I never get down to my lowest weight. I just want to be physically active consistently, because almost nothing makes me feel as good as regular exercise does. I could definitely make a very long post (or series of post) on the challenges of losing weight with a history of disordered eating. So to be continued for this one, I guess.
-Summer job search. While I won’t be broken-hearted if I stay in my current job for the summer, if possible, I would like to make more money and do something different the summer before my internship. I’m currently looking for a full-time nannying position and have a few leads so far. I feel kind of guilty about the possibility of leaving my current program…but ultimately I need to do what’s best for me, my finances, and my future.
-Taking care of myself. Getting enough sleep, taking time to relax, taking time to appreciate the small stuff. Not putting as much pressure on myself to achieve some ridiculous idea of perfection (which doesn’t even exist). My sinus infection seems like it may have returned, so making my own health & stress management a priority is all the more important.

Expect more regular posting sometime in mid-May, but for now I’m guessing my posts will continue to be few and far between! 😛

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Updating so I don’t fall asleep (?!)

Another snow day yesterday, and I woke up at 4am to see if work was closed. It was! But then it was 4am, and I was awake. I had every intention of going back to sleep or taking a nap, but neither of those occurred yesterday. I went to bed at a normal time for me (11:00ish) and woke up at 6:00. That’s a solid seven hours! BUT…I am absolutely exhausted this morning. We went out to move our vehicles before the plow came, I had a quick breakfast, and then promptly fell asleep on the couch from 7am-8am. I woke up and chugged my coffee, and it’s still like the walking dead (pun intended) over here.

However, I can’t complain too much. All I have going on today is a dentist appointment at 11:30 and class at 4:10. I would like to get a bunch of work done today, but we’ll see if that’s in the cards. I do know if I’m this tired now, I will probably be even more exhausted in the late afternoon/early evening hours. Alright, I’ve convinced myself to go and do something.

January: highs and lows

The best stuff

  • New Year’s Eve
  • Watching The Office pretty much every night
  • Time spent with family and friends (birthday dinners; brunch at our place; nights out and nights spent staying in)
  • My birthday celebration(s)
  • Finally trying gin, and never drinking anything else
  • Singing karaoke by myself for the second time
  • Doug’s birthday celebration(s)
  • Buying tickets for Cabaret in March (!!!! still over the moon about this)
  • Getting a Wii U
  • Seeing Birdman and The Imitation Game – two incredible films
  • Teaching Zumba to my kiddos
  • Getting the ball rolling for my student teaching internship
  • Three snow days in less than a week
  • New brewery opening up downtown
  • Helping one of our best friends buy a car
  • Getting a new TV stand and rearranging our living room
  • Putting together said TV stand by myself
  • Classes and professors I’m really enjoying
  • Playing in the snow with my kiddos
  • Seeing two of my best friends who live far away
  • Our “anti” Superbowl party (we ended up watching it)
  • Making BBQ apple cheddar pork pie
  • Super nice new lady managing our apartment building

The worst stuff

  • Getting sick, thinking I was better, getting sick again, etc.
  • Tax-related stresses (that have since been resolved)
  • Struggling with getting back into an exercise routine
  • All of the money we’ve spent on our cars (registration fees and repairs)
  • Annoyances related to our neighbors (what else is new?)

You know life is good when it’s much easier to think of happy things than sad things. 🙂

#grateful

I want to update, but I’m tired.

So bullets it is.

  • I went from last Monday (10/20) to today (10/27) WITHOUT ANY HEADACHES. I did get a headache this afternoon, and it got pretty bad at one point, but it’s mostly gone now. I’m pretty convinced it was due to rushing around and a stressful afternoon at work. Now I’m at home relaxed and feeling better.
  • I got an A on my first major assignment in my class with the really tough professor. She also asked if she could have a digital copy of my work to use as an example for next semester’s classes. This actually made my entire week.
  • I defrosted the cinnamon loaf that’d been in the freezer for a YEAR and it is still perfect and delicious and amazing. Next up, I will be defrosting (some) of our wedding cake. Eating dessert and cleaning out the freezer = major win.
  • Tomorrow I only have one class, and then I have to attend this symposium (taking the place of my second class). Third class is canceled all week!
  • THURSDAY I have an entire day off. I’m getting my hair cut (er, trimmed) and eyebrows done in the morning. I also need to register to vote.
  • It’s almost Halloween.
  • I regained some of the motivation re: school that I lost in the midst of dealing with almost daily headaches.
  • I have physical therapy twice this week, which makes me so happy. Part of my sessions usually involve a mini-massage of sorts, and it’s wonderful.

So yeah. I’m happy.

Thursday things

  • It’s amazing how much I can get done when I actually remove the distractions (TV, YouTube, my phone, etc.)
  • Currently in class watching a documentary about inclusion that was actually filmed a few towns over. [And people in my class are laughing hysterically and acting like the girl in the video is some kind of monster. It bugs me that, in a room full of aspiring teachers, the stigma surrounding mental illness is alive and well. A lot of the things the girl in the documentary struggles with, I struggled with in middle school. Self-harm, self-destructive thoughts, anger, depression, anxiety, low self-esteem…among others. If things had gone differently in my life, in high school, I could’ve easily been in the situation she was in. Why can we watch a documentary about a little boy with cerebral palsy with tears in our eyes, and five minutes later, watch a documentary about a teenage girl with ADHD, depression, and emotional problems while muffling our laughter and rolling our eyes in disgust? I wouldn’t want anyone who passes that kind of judgment on human beings teaching my children…or teaching alongside me. My professor is actually contributing to the ridiculous laughter in the class by making comments like, “Would you want to be on the bus with her?”]
  • I saw one of my best friends today. It was wonderful and perfect. I miss her a lot- she doesn’t live that far away (~4 hours), but it’s far enough so that we don’t see each other as much as I’d like.
  • I am really considering law school in the (distant) future. I want to just start off teaching in a classroom and see where I want to go from there. I am so passionate about school law, though, particularly in the area of bullying and cyber-bullying. I think it’s because I was bullied badly in middle school and no adults in my school ever helped me to stop the bullying or even acknowledged it was happening. I want to prevent other kids from going through what I went through.
  • I think I’ve had too much caffeine today and my eye is twitching. Eek.
  • It feels weird writing a post without mentioning headaches…BUT (crosses fingers) I have been headache-free since Tuesday morning. It’s pretty remarkable, especially considering all the stormy and rainy weather we’ve been having.
  • I no longer have to do this thing I’ve been dreading for months this weekend. Yes, I feel badly about backing out of it- it was shitty of me. However, the relief I feel over not having to do it is pretty amazing- although I do recognize I should never have committed to it in the first place. And the reason I gave for not doing it- chronic migraine- is certainly true and legitimate.
  • With that being said, I’m looking forward to spending time with my family this weekend, getting work done, and resting.

Awake

I tried to go to bed early tonight. I slept for an hour and then was awoken by heartburn. I’ve maybe had heartburn twice in my life before tonight. This heartburn was initially so bad it felt like my throat was closing up.

I took two Tums but they are not helping so far. I’m not sure what the cause of the heartburn is- maybe what we had for dinner. Or maybe the preventative (headache) medicine I take. Speaking of which, I had an awful migraine today after making it through most of the weekend headache free.

I keep trying to tell myself, this is the hand you’ve been dealt. Accept it and learn to deal with it. I just don’t know how much longer I can learn to deal with not feeling at peace in my body. The uncertainty of waking up every morning and having no idea if it’ll be a good day or a bad day- based on how my head feels. The frustration that comes along with doing everything “right” but still getting headaches.

I bounce back and forth between two extreme attitudes. The first is “Fuck this, I can do anything, headaches won’t hold me back.” The second is “I can’t do this anymore. I give up.” On any given day, at any given moment, one of those attitudes will prevail. Right now it’s the latter.

What really isn’t helping is that for the past two nights, our neighbors have been either blasting TV or music way past 11pm. It keeps me awake. I just texted them about it and they haven’t turned it down or responded to my message. I’m so frustrated.

Right now all I want to do is sleep. But I can’t because this heartburn is making it impossible to lie down. And even if I could lie down, the aforementioned noise would keep me awake. So I’m sitting on the couch in my dark living room with my stuffed elephant perched on my lap.

I don’t want to cry or scream or continue to ask the question that has no answer: “Why?” I just want to sleep.

Breaking the rules

I’ve been headache-free for about five hours. I really can’t find the words to express how wonderful it feels- yet at the same time, I feel kind of anxious about when this pain-free period will end.

Against my neurologist’s advice, I took an Alleve today. Just one. It’s the fourth time I’ve taken Alleve in the past 27 days, which isn’t too bad. I know he just doesn’t want me taking it regularly, because it (along with Tylenol, ibuprofen, etc.) can cause rebound headaches. Hopefully I won’t pay for my decision in the morning.

Earlier today, I had pain that I would probably rate as a 7 out of 10 (before taking the Alleve). It was hard for me to do much of anything. I considered not going to a group meeting for a project / my ONE class today, but then decided I needed to just push through the pain. I’m glad I did, because once I was on campus, I started to feel better. Maybe the Diet Coke I drank had something to do with that, too. I’m not really sure.

Since I’ve been home, I’ve made dinner, taken laundry out of the dryer, swept the kitchen, responded to some emails, hung out with Doug, cleaned up from dinner, and worked on a big assignment I have due Monday. Not even that much stuff, but I feel ridiculously productive.

Keeping my fingers crossed for a low pain day tomorrow…but also reminding myself that even if it’s not low pain, I can get through it. I really need the pain to be manageable, though, because I’m working for five hours and then babysitting for 3.5 hours. Actually, 6 hours of work if you count the staff meeting tomorrow morning.

One day at a time…