It seems like when life is going well/things are going smoothly, I post on here a lot less. I feel like I don’t have much to write about at the moment — in reality, nothing could be further from the truth…but I’m just struggling to find the time to sit down and write quality posts on some fairly in-depth and detailed topics.
So what’s been keeping me so busy?
-Finishing my last semester with a full course load. I’ll begin student teaching in the fall (for an entire year!) and only have one course left to take during that time.
-Exercising. A lot more. I’m finally starting to run again, and making slow but steady progress in that area. I’ve also begun regular strength training – as with most things I get excited about, I’ve been overdoing it a bit and had to take today off to give my body a break. But that’s okay.
-Trying to be more mindful about what I’m eating. While I want to make ED recovery my top priority, I do want/need(?) to lose some weight for health reasons. I feel much more at peace with my body now than I have at any point in the past four years or so. But my doctor would like me to lose a little weight. I’m not so focused on what the scale says…but I want to feel fit/strong/healthy/badass again. I don’t care if I never get down to my lowest weight. I just want to be physically active consistently, because almost nothing makes me feel as good as regular exercise does. I could definitely make a very long post (or series of post) on the challenges of losing weight with a history of disordered eating. So to be continued for this one, I guess.
-Summer job search. While I won’t be broken-hearted if I stay in my current job for the summer, if possible, I would like to make more money and do something different the summer before my internship. I’m currently looking for a full-time nannying position and have a few leads so far. I feel kind of guilty about the possibility of leaving my current program…but ultimately I need to do what’s best for me, my finances, and my future.
-Taking care of myself. Getting enough sleep, taking time to relax, taking time to appreciate the small stuff. Not putting as much pressure on myself to achieve some ridiculous idea of perfection (which doesn’t even exist). My sinus infection seems like it may have returned, so making my own health & stress management a priority is all the more important.
Expect more regular posting sometime in mid-May, but for now I’m guessing my posts will continue to be few and far between! 😛
I’ve been headache-free for about five hours. I really can’t find the words to express how wonderful it feels- yet at the same time, I feel kind of anxious about when this pain-free period will end.
Against my neurologist’s advice, I took an Alleve today. Just one. It’s the fourth time I’ve taken Alleve in the past 27 days, which isn’t too bad. I know he just doesn’t want me taking it regularly, because it (along with Tylenol, ibuprofen, etc.) can cause rebound headaches. Hopefully I won’t pay for my decision in the morning.
Earlier today, I had pain that I would probably rate as a 7 out of 10 (before taking the Alleve). It was hard for me to do much of anything. I considered not going to a group meeting for a project / my ONE class today, but then decided I needed to just push through the pain. I’m glad I did, because once I was on campus, I started to feel better. Maybe the Diet Coke I drank had something to do with that, too. I’m not really sure.
Since I’ve been home, I’ve made dinner, taken laundry out of the dryer, swept the kitchen, responded to some emails, hung out with Doug, cleaned up from dinner, and worked on a big assignment I have due Monday. Not even that much stuff, but I feel ridiculously productive.
Keeping my fingers crossed for a low pain day tomorrow…but also reminding myself that even if it’s not low pain, I can get through it. I really need the pain to be manageable, though, because I’m working for five hours and then babysitting for 3.5 hours. Actually, 6 hours of work if you count the staff meeting tomorrow morning.
One day at a time…
On Saturday as I was putting groceries away, I realized I’ve come a long way in the past year. And when I look at the past three years…the amount of growth, increased understanding/awareness, acceptance, and positive change is pretty insane.
We have things in our pantry right now that I would have been too afraid to buy six months ago: Goldfish. Pirate’s Booty. Crackers. Cinnamon-roasted almonds. Yes, I do package things into single serving bags because it really helps me. I hope that someday I won’t have to do it, but it works well for me right now. I also made a dessert (vanilla Chex/Oreo bars- kind of like Rice Krispy treats) on Saturday, something I haven’t done in months. I definitely tasted as I went along, and I ate an Oreo while I was making it, but I don’t feel like that’s something “disordered” or harmful.
Has it been difficult having “sweets” around? Yes. We went to Boston yesterday and brought some pastries home, so right now there are a few pastries in the fridge plus the Oreo/Chex bars. It’s tough. There have been moments of mindless snacking, but each time, I’ve been able to think about what I was doing and stop eating. I can’t remember the last time I actually binged- probably at the beginning of July. Understanding and accepting the difference between bingeing and overeating has always been a struggle for me. I tend to consider any overeating, whether the cause is from negative emotions (sadness, anger, etc.), stress, or boredom, bingeing. However, that is simply not the case. There is a distinction that needs to be made.
I’m not bingeing anymore. I overeat occasionally- like everybody does. Sometimes when I’m watching a movie I have a snack even if I’m not truly “hungry”- like everybody does. It finally feels okay, and not something I need to feel guilt and shame over. And it feels pretty damn great.